Today I Saw An Amish Guy Riding A Harley

His license plate even said Amish. I'm hoping this gang is for real.

An aborted post...

So, I was thinking....wait, um...no never mind I wasn't...

I Need Help...

Hello, my name is Ben, and I'm a coffee addict...

It's um...about 10 am in the morning and I'm working on my 6th cup of coffee. I've been up since 7am, but I didn't have time to get coffee at home so I've been drinking coffee since 8.30 making for an average of...a lot of cups an hour...I'm not joking...it's sad really. I'm just sitting here at work, reading books surfing the net and drinking coffee. I keep telling myself I can quit whenever I want, it's not a big deal...I mean come on I buy Fairtrade coffee...I'm a good person...It's not like I'm hurting anyone. Come on man, GIVE ME A BREAK!!! I'm sorry...I didn't mean that really ...sigh...I'm...so...sorry....But look It'snotlikethecaffienehasanysortofeffectonmeanymoreitsjustlikewatertomysystem ....And I drink it black too, that's got to count for something. None of that diabetes causin' sugar crap or milk...I mean have you ever drunk like 3 cups of coffee with cream in an hour...that stuff messes you up, sits in your stomach like concrete...it's horrible...Black's easier for other people too..."How do you take your coffee?""Black." If I said with cream and/or sugar, then you have the added anxiety of how much cream, how much sugar, did I make it too light, too dark, too sweet, no I don't have cream, but I have milk is that ok, I'm sorry I just have sugar, I don't have any Splenda. Can you see the added stress brought on by all you non-black-coffee-bastardizing-people-out-there-do-you-DO-YOU!!??!! Damn...I did it again...sorry...it's just that, I'm used to more coffee and I'm getting all jittery and and and...stuff...I need another cup...I'll be right back....

Now What?

Here I am with this flamin' DSL and I can't figure out what to do next...Any suggestions?

So Long AOL, It Was Fun While It Lasted

We've made the decision to become upstanding citizens and stop mooching off AOL. For almost three years we've had free internet service thanks to AOL's ubiquitous free trial offers, but the time has come for us to part ways. Once in a blue moon we'd forget to cancel our free trial and get charged for a month and that was okay. We figured we probably owed them something. But the last few months we've been getting a crazy number of charges from multiple accounts we didn't have and it all added up to over a hundred and fifty dollars. That was not okay.

Because I'm a wonderful husband and provider for my family I sorted it all out with AOL and the bank. Our money will be returned and now I am a hero. But all this has tarnished our relationship with AOL. Things have become complex. It's no longer the trusting, they give while we take relationship that we've nurtured all these years. They want money up front now for their free trials and that's just not the kind of friendship I'm into. Love is unconditional and if AOL can't see that then it's time for both of us to move on.

The woman on the phone said that AOL changed their free trial system because people were actually using the free trials and then canceling just so they could start another free trial. I said, "Yeah, I'm one of those people." And she quickly said, "No offense." And really I wasn't offended. What did they expect me to do? Pay 25 bucks for dial-up every month out of my pathetic student's income when I could get it for free? Come on, I tried to cancel and for a straight year they wouldn't let me. No, no, no--we have really great services, don't cancel, we'll give you another two months for free. What was I supposed to do? Those call service people work hard, I didn't want to hurt their feelings so I (reluctantly) accepted their generous offers.

But now they collect their money up front and then return it after you've cancelled. If you're one day late canceling you could be out 75 bucks for a "free" three month trial. Even though AOL and I have worked long and hard at our relationship, it's just too much to risk. So I have decided to start anew with yahoo high speed. For 12.99 a month we'll have a chance to forge a new relationship of faster internet service that won't take up my phone line. It's not free, but it will have to do. And the cheap price only lasts for a year so I can only see more cancellations in our future.

Unfortunately, all this has made me fear commitment and expect rejection and betrayal. I'm looking over my shoulder now. Everything feels temporary. I'm a drifter in this world--no internet home, no more safety and stability. I've been burned and it's going to take a long, long time to get over this.

Thank You, BILLIE!!!

This morning we got a knock at the door during breakfast. We thought it was one of the neighborhood pests, er . . . darling children wanting Moira to play. So we sent Moira to open the door but it was NOT a neighborhood pest, it was our neighbor Billie bearing a very special package. It seems that this--ended up in her mailbox instead of ours. Is the mailman trying to kill me?!? I've been waiting for my diploma for a month and a half and he has to give it to our neighbor instead?!? Oh well, that's what I get for not joining the masses for commencement.

Did you notice the name on that diploma? No? Allow me to zoom in a bit for you.

Yes, folks, that's my name on that diploma. Little 'ol me done went and graduated. Yessir!

Allright, allright, I know we already went over this--I finally graduated, blah, blah, blah, eleven years, blah, blah, blah. But now I have my diploma and I get to brag all over again. Yee-haaa!!!

You can't see me, but I'm doing a little dance right now.

Okay, I'm done.

Food Fun

Inspired by my post on Squash Jello, Jessica left a link in the comments to a web site....It deserves more than a mere comment link. It needs full page exposure....So I offer:

Weight Watchers gone wrong...

What was I thinking complaining about geletanized squash? At least she didn't make me

Bean and Mushroom Salad:

















You really need to click on the link to fully experience the gelatinzed beans and mushrooms, not to mention beverages made from water, sherry extract and beef bouillon...I'm not kidding. And so much mackerel you have no idea... Thanks Jessica!

The perks of part time work...

I get to see where the kids play during the day....like the top of our closet.

Imagine my surprise when I hear coming from the closet, "Daddy I'm up high! Come see!" And so I see this little head poking our from behind our old changing table. And she says, "Look! I a big kid! I touching the ceiling!" ahh, childhood.

An Interesting Verse

In church this week, our pastor was arguing for an inclusive Christianity. While he probably wouldn't take it as far as I would, he did point out an interesting verse:

1 Timothy 4.10 (NASB95)
We have fixed our hope on the living God, who is the Savior of all men, especially of believers.

Is Paul arguing for an inclusive Chrisitianity? Regardless of how you believe, God is the savior of all men?

Rebuilding Bridges

The only thing better than being blessed with the chance to rebuild bridges is to have the wisdom not to burn them in the first place. But alas, we don't always have that foresight. Take a recent experience of mine.

On Friday, I finally had an opportunity to begin to rebuild a friendship that I had broken nearly ten years ago. In high school, Brice and I were practically inseparable. He was truly my best friend. We could always sit down and shoot the breeze maybe get into some heated arguments but we were always friends. He was always there for me, if I needed to chat about something, ask a question or talk about God he would listen, argue and never judge. I loved that, and it was something that has been missing in my life as of late (like the last ten years).

Our relationship as friends started hitting the rocks as he was getting replaced by Jaime. While I can't say that I regret that part of it, I do wish I had kept both relationships going at the same time. But I didn't, we went our separate ways and lost contact with each other. I became a part of a tightly knit ingrown community which frowned on any real relationships with outsiders, and let many of those old relationships die on the vine.

Having come out of that Church just over a year ago, I've been searching most for a relationship with a man where I could be open, have someone to talk to and not be afraid of what was said. I kept thinking back through my life; was there anyone that I had known like that? I kept thinking about Brice. Finally, I got up the gumption to get back into contact and after much scheduling problems we got our acts together (which is a big accomplishment in itself--just ask our wives) and got together for lunch...for a two hour lunch.

It was great, refreshing, everything I remembered our old conversations being like although admittedly more mature (so who's complaining?). I hope we'll keep in contact now, and see each other much more often (once every 10 years isn't too hard to beat is it?). Anyway I wanted to share. A lesson learned the hard way: Beware of smoldering bridges; when they burn down, they might be too costly to rebuild.

created and © Rob Elliott

My Childhood Babysitter (Who Shall Remain Nameless)

When my parents were still married, they would take me and my brother to The Babysitter, one of their friends from church. This woman would become my childhood nemesis. Why you ask? Was it because she always took her kids' side when there was an argument, even though they were the ones lying? Was it because she would then wash my innocent mouth out with soap? Was it because when I would sneak around the house pretending to be a spy she accused me of dancing (which is a BIG no-no) and when I said I wasn't she accused me of lying and again washed my mouth out with soap? Was it because I became a connoisseur of soap in her house? No, even though any one of those things taken on their own would warrant my intense dislike, no, the reason she became my nemesis can be summed up in two little words:

SQUASH JELLO

I kid you not. This is the one memory that's seared its way into my mind. Whenever I think of this woman all I can think of is gelatinous squash...with stuff thrown in....ugh....She is so notorious that in my house she is referenced only as "Squash Jello Lady."

In my adult life my mom and I would go around and around, not about the babysitter's discipline habits or the merits of Dial in one's mouth over Ivory, but about the veracity of the dreaded squash jello. It became so heated one day that she called up the old babysitter on the sopt and asked her directly, "Did you ever feed my son (dramatic pause) squash Jello?" Of course she flatly denied it and made up some story of a squash casserole...but in my heart I know I'm right. I'm not going to wash my mouth out with soap this time, because I remember it. Jiggling and yellow, filled with fruit....it makes me break out in sweats just thinking about it.

I've tried to find an online recipe for this thing, but as of yet I've not succeeded. But in case you should doubt me that anyone could come up with something as horribly disgusting as squash jello I offer the following recipes that I have found:

Asparagus Casserole (note the name "Casserole" but notice its made with....gelatin)
Garden Vegetable Salad Mold
And it's not that hard to go from Squash Jelly...to a Squash Jello

And I was not alone in my suffering so if you need more evidence, ask Brad.

A Quote I needed to get down before I missed it

Faith that counts...is not the absence of doubt; it's the presence of action--Brian McLaren The Secret Message of Jesus

The Good Samaritan

I have been thinking about the story of the good Samaritan lately. And the offensive nature of the story on first century Jewish ears cannot be under estimated. To make the good guy to be a Samaritan really has no equivalent in modern day society. These people were universally despised by every Jewish person, and the feeling was mutual. Both the Jews and the Samaritans made the claim to being the true descendants of Israel. Both would rather see the other people be wiped out and destroyed. In fact a few generations before Jesus, one of the leaders of the Jewish people went up to Samaria and Mt Gerizim and destroyed the whole darn thing. These people hated each other. This is truly loving your enemies, that's why it's so disturbing to the man trying to justify himself that the person who showed himself to be a true follower of God's commands was not a pious Jew, but a pious Samaritan. As I was thinking about it, I came up with the following modern twist to emphasize a possible secondary understanding....

Jesus was in a church one night teaching about the greatest commandment and loving your neighbor. Afterwards, a man on the board of the church Jesus was teaching at, came up to him and asked, "but who exactly is my neighbor?"

Jesus proceeded to tell him this story:

One night a Christian man was walking down the dark streets of the south side of Chicago by himself. It was raining and he couldn't see where he was going. Eventually he took a wrong turn and was jumped by a bunch of thugs who beat the crap out of him, took everything of value and left him for dead.

Not long after that, a preacher came by and saw the man half lying in the alley and half lying out. He was considering stopping to help, but just then his cell phone rang; the rain had made him late for his board meeting and they were calling to see where he was. "I'm on my way, just got delayed in the rain is all," the preacher said, and he quickly went off. He's probably dead anyway, he thought to himself to assuage his conscience, not much I can do for him now.

Just as the preacher turned the corner, a worship leader came walking down the same street. He too saw the man dying in the alleyway, he glanced at his watch and noticed that he was already late to practice. We've got a lot of new music to cover tonight, he thought to himself as he passed by, I really can't stay. I'll say a prayer for him, when I get to practice, and he continued on his way.

The worship leader was just out of sight as a fundamentalist Muslim man approached the alley. He saw the man left for dead, and quickly ran to his side. The Muslim noticed the man was wearing a cross, but that didn't stop him. He quickly got out his cell phone and called for an ambulance. When the ambulance finally arrived the Muslim was still there waiting with the victim. He found out where they were taking the man and quickly found his way there. He stayed the entire night in the waiting room of the ER waiting for news of the status of the stranger. When he found out that the victim was in critical condition, but would be alright, the Muslim left all the cash he had with the nurse to give to the man when he recovered and took down the address of the hospital so he could send more money later, and then went on his way.

Jesus looked at the board member and asked, "Who was the neighbor to the man left for dead?"
The board member answered, "The one who called the ambulance."
To which Jesus replied, "Then go and do as the Muslim did."

I'm telling this story like this because I want to get beyond the obvious teaching of the story (i.e. everyone is my neighbor) and instead get to a more subtle implication. I wonder if we can extrapolate a teaching that may be uncomfortable to our exclusivist Christian minds. If someone, who is not Christian, by their actions actually affirms the teachings of Christ (i.e. loving your neighbor), whether they realize it or not, doesn't that show that they are really followers of Christ.

This kind of flows from Paul's argument in Romans. Don't those who obey the Torah, even though they never received it, show that it is in all actuality written on their hearts? The implication being, who are we to say that anyone, regardless of their faith, is actually an enemy of God when they end up doing the very thing that God commands. Don't their actions show that their heart is actually in line with God's teachings and as such are a part of God's kingdom, whether they realize it or not?

Celebrating 1,000 hits!

Yes, that's right we have surpassed the 1000 mark! To Celebrate, we're righting about it! We, the management of Luther's Monkey, wish to thank all the little people who have made this blog possible...everyone in Texas that my brother in California somehow knows. Those of you from Canada that also somehow know my brother. Those of you from Columbus, who used to live in California, but do not know my brother. The family and friends who stop by to see what latest boring thing is happening in my life, or question is in my brain, and last but not least all of you searching for Aviv, from Mtv's Fresh Meat Challenge...thank you so much....**smooch, smooch, royalty wave, wipes tears, walks off the wrong side of the stage then ushered to the right side by attractive model**

HOME

I can't express how good it is to be home.