A square peg...

I'm sitting in a cafe in between classes trying to work on this class I'm putting together for my Church. I only have a couple of weeks left until it begins and I've probably written the overview class three times, the Torah section about 5 and I've just started on the prophets. I'm running into two problems.

The first is time, I'm not sure how much information will take up an hour's worth of time, this isn't that big of a deal, I'll just keep talking until the hour's up. Hopefully I won't run out of time and not be able to cover everything I want to talk about, but I'm pretty good on the fly and I'll have notes to work from. I'll manage the hour.

The second and larger problem, is figuring out exactly what I can get away with. Can I say that Moses didn't write the Torah? Can I talk about Genesis and Exodus in terms of mythology? Specifically can I say that the last time I spoke with a walking talking lizard was, Oh....never, and that in the ancient near east animals had a specific meaning? I'm thinking of talking in the sense of parables instead of myth, but it is possible that even hinting at a non-literal understanding could get me in trouble.

Can I mention that the Bible isn't really God's mouth piece to the world, but men dealing with God in certain situations and cultures? Can I bring in the Jewish culture and their understanding of evil as not being from Satan, but being from God and that men are not created wicked, but innocent and blessed by God? Can I tell them that prophecy has less to do with the future than the present historical framework of the prophet?

I'm having all these problems because I like this church, I like the people that I know, and I don't want to be ostracized. I don't think I would be, but if I play my cards right I'll be able to teach other classes and hopefully, over the next two years infiltrate enough liberal theology to make some difference within the church. With this being my first time, I just have some anxiety about how much is too much. As of right now, I'm leaning toward being more open about scholarship and Judaism. I guess part of it is going to depend on who signs up for the class and what they're like...I might just have to play it by ear...I can do that, I'm just not going to be able to give handouts and all that fun stuff.

Phone-a-phobia

Faith called us last night and she and Jaime talked and talked and talked. I was only able to talk to her for a few minutes, but hopefully we'll be able to talk more. She had homework and as I said, "I'm not good on the phone." And really I'm not. I'm deadly afraid of the phone. I hate talking on the phone not because I hate connecting with people but because my past has allowed this phobia to infiltrate my psyche.

Here is the history of my interaction with phones. One of my first memories is talking to my mother over the phone immediately following my parents divorce. The one sentence that I can remember saying to her: "I hate you." And really through my childhood I connected the phone with stress and conflict with my family.

It didn't change much in my adult life either. As a banker, the phone was my primary tool for manipulating people into doing what I wanted them to do. If I needed more clients, I would make phone calls trying to convince people that they needed to talk to me. The popular tactics of the time were, "We need to sit down to review your accounts and possibly offer you a higher interest rate." The real goal of this meeting was to try to get these people to invest with me. People opening checking accounts were potential loan customers; loan customers were potentially investment clients. All this business was on the phone as was getting yelled at by customers because their loan wasn't happening fast enough resulting in me
yelling at the lender over the phone.

Combine all of that with our last church, where a phone call from the pastor meant that you'd screwed up somewhere and he was going to let you know, and you'd spend the better part of the evening getting told what was wrong with you and what you needed to do to correct it...i.e. more conflict.

So even though I know that most normal people do not use the phone to yell at people, I'm still afraid of it. I also feel like I need to have this amazingly deep conversation with people all the time, and I can't handle that kind of pressure. So to anyone who calls and has the misfortune of talking to me...I'm sorry...I really do want to talk to you, I just have these weird psychological issues to deal with...I think I need to build up more positive phone interactions so please call, but understand this... My name is Ben and I'm a phone-a-phobic...

Talk about spotty blogging...

I have this really guilty conscience whenever I'm doing anything that's not homework so there has been a great decline in frequency but allow me to give my excuses: I'm taking 16 credit hours (the minimum for full time is 12) all graduate courses in 3 different languages. Observe:

1) French for Graduate Research 1 (i.e. learn to read French, but not speak it so when someone on your bus sees you with the French textbook and starts talking to you in French, you can point out that it says French For Reading--speaking hypothetically of course)

2) German for Graduate Research 2 (i.e. find a scholarly article on your subject and start translating you lazy S.O.B.)

3) Hebrew 601--basics of Biblical Hebrew Grammar or...how to know what vowel goes where because you foolishly picked a language without vowels...

and the killer

4) Hebrew 621--Jerusalem through out the ages. Taught 90% in Hebrew with readings from Biblical to modern day writers. Let me explain that it's much like reading about London from writers in the oldest English possible to modern English...totally different grammatical structures and I've been working with about 5 different lexicons to translate all of them.

So right now, my brain is fried from my French and I'm slacking off on my German (I still need to translate one more page for tomorrow) and feeling anxiety build up. Must run...

My Evil Plan is Working Perfectly!!!

I have been given the opportunity of a life time. I have been trying to do less at church, so I can have the flexibility of not being there if I needed the weekend to do work or other important stuff...like hang out with friends. While I did get my stint at the cafe cut in half (every other week), I have some how ended up playing guitar (probably every week) and then last night one of the pastors approached me about putting together a four week introductory class on the Old Testament.

BWAH HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!

Now the challenge will be figuring out how to sneak in some liberal theology without anyone noticing....

Something I Learned About Myself Today

3 years after my mother died from cancer, I'm still not okay with it. I wish she were around to see all her grandkids, to see me in grad school to see the wonderful women that her two girls are becoming. I try to put her death in perspective, like it happened for a reason, but I fail to see it directly. I try to think of her in a better place or at the least not suffering anymore and the only thing that's driving these bouts of depression and missing her is my own selfishness so I should just get the hell over it and move on. Okay...fine.

But then I think that it was a hellish end of her life. Emaciated and in constant pain using all of her strength just to be lucid. Why did it have to be like that? But isn't that the way most people die? Even in its most beautiful circumstances Death is horribly ugly...it's scary...Maybe there is a lesson learned in the suffering of death and dying, perhaps it is the greatest lesson to be learned and we can't learn it until that time comes. Perhaps it is my own inability to suffer that drives this questioning and this pain and if I would just accept suffering as a part of life, then I would get better.

I guess that leads me to my current conclusion about the purpose of suffering and dying. Suffering has no purpose unless we give it one. That is, if the suffering that I go through because my mother died from cancer without being able to see her grandchildren grow up has no effect upon my life then it has no purpose. I have not given it any. However if it drives me to visibly change my life as a result of that suffering then it has a purpose, because I have instilled it with a purpose. Otherwise, I'm not sure I can find a reason for all the suffering around me right now.

Death, as far as I can tell, could have two possible reasons. The first is, as I mentioned above, that death is the ultimate suffering and must have some ultimate lesson behind it, if we allow it to have that effect. Second is that death is really the biggest reminder that we are not God. In the Genesis story the only difference between the Divine and Humanity is initially that people didn't know the difference between good and evil. Once that knowledge was gained, God decided that the new difference would be that people would now have to face death. So dying reminds us that we are not the Divine. Perhaps that is the lesson to be learned from it, perhaps it is something else...I don't know.

Labels: A long Post....

Typically I'm opposed to labeling people, including myself. It always seemed so restrictive and demeaning. How could I possibly be confined to a set of words? Am I Jewish? Am I Christian? Am I something else? What are you? Is it at all important? I'm starting to think that for some reason people need labels for things. It helps to put the world in perspective, and know where you stand in relation to other people. But I think it's important that the label applied to the person is one that they accept and embrace and not something that we impose on them.

How does this come up? It came up for several reasons, but mostly because I'm not really comfortable with being called a Christian (as I mentioned before). I connect Christianity with something else...Pat Robertson, Christian Coalition, Campus Crusade, Rick Warren, etc. None of whom I really...connect with...none of whom really speaks to me/for me as a believer in God and Jesus' teachings.

This sort of mini-identity crisis came up because I'm constantly asked what I am. I'm not Jewish, I haven't converted, and don't plan on it. But I love the teachings of the Rabbis and much of what traditional Judaism offers. I know the tractates of the Talmud; I know who the Tanaim and the Amoraim are; I know what the difference is between Halacha and Agadah and can use them in an argument with most of my Jewish friends.

But I can also flop between the Rabbis and Jesus in the same breath, and arguing for the same point. On one message board, it brought confussion as to whether or not I believed Jesus was the Son of God because I moved between the Talmud and New Testament without batting an eye. I love the teachings of Jesus and I don't see a great difference between what he taught and what the Rabbis taught (e.g. both hold Deuteronomy 6.4-9 as the greatest commandment). I study the gospels quite a bit and know most of the storie fairly well. I'm learning Greek so that I can read the New Testament (among other things) in Greek because I hate translations (I should add that to the list of things I'm skeptical about) I really want to know what he was saying and try to understand all of the implications.

At the same time, I don't believe that you have to believe in Jesus to be saved (honestly I think of eternal salvation as a moot point). I think anyone from any religious background can merit salvation by loving their neighbor. The dividing line for Jesus was not belief in him, but how you treated the poor and downcast (a la the sheep and goats, etc). I hug this dividing line between the two traditions which makes both sides not quite comfortable with me (although my non-Christian friends tend to be more comfortable around me than my Christian friends).

So what am I? This question has been plaguing me for sometime, and only recently have I come up with something that I can feel comfortable with: Existential Christ-following Humanist. Let me break it down for you, so that we're all on the same page:

Existential: This world is what matters more than the next. We are to take care of people now, the planet now and should be ultimatly concerned with what is happening here.

Christ-Following: For me, the ultimate example of God's love is seen in Jesus. Not so much in his death but in the life he lived. The life that lead to his dying. Where oppressive authority structures were challenged, care for the poor and needy was the ultimate concern and how we treat others is ultimately how we treat God.

Humanist: I believe man can achieve the realm of God. We are to be the agents of God in building his kingdom. God has chosen humanity to be the image of the divine in the secular. We cannot continue to think we are worms and dust, but that we are glorious creatures made in the image of God. We are in a sense a part of the Divine, and we should try to find that part in all of us.

Honestly I was quite surprised by how freeing labeling myself was. Maybe it reflects a lack of maturity on my part, but to be able to say, "Look this is what I am..." actually offers a bit of stability for me. Maybe labels can be beneficial in some degree or another. Unless your Jaime and choose to label yourself a Christian Sociopath....

Confessions of a Skeptic

It has been revealed to me that I might be overly...skeptical... Things that I am skeptical about (in no particular order):

1) The Moon Landing
2) The Mars Rovers
3) Pictures from the Hubble Telescope
4) Anyone who's getting paid by a church
5) The latest terrorism threats
6) Really, anything that comes from the White House
7) Who am I kidding? Anything that comes from a politician
8) History

Maybe I should seek help for this...

I Need Help...

Hello, my name is Ben, and I'm a coffee addict...

It's um...about 10 am in the morning and I'm working on my 6th cup of coffee. I've been up since 7am, but I didn't have time to get coffee at home so I've been drinking coffee since 8.30 making for an average of...a lot of cups an hour...I'm not joking...it's sad really. I'm just sitting here at work, reading books surfing the net and drinking coffee. I keep telling myself I can quit whenever I want, it's not a big deal...I mean come on I buy Fairtrade coffee...I'm a good person...It's not like I'm hurting anyone. Come on man, GIVE ME A BREAK!!! I'm sorry...I didn't mean that really ...sigh...I'm...so...sorry....But look It'snotlikethecaffienehasanysortofeffectonmeanymoreitsjustlikewatertomysystem ....And I drink it black too, that's got to count for something. None of that diabetes causin' sugar crap or milk...I mean have you ever drunk like 3 cups of coffee with cream in an hour...that stuff messes you up, sits in your stomach like concrete...it's horrible...Black's easier for other people too..."How do you take your coffee?""Black." If I said with cream and/or sugar, then you have the added anxiety of how much cream, how much sugar, did I make it too light, too dark, too sweet, no I don't have cream, but I have milk is that ok, I'm sorry I just have sugar, I don't have any Splenda. Can you see the added stress brought on by all you non-black-coffee-bastardizing-people-out-there-do-you-DO-YOU!!??!! Damn...I did it again...sorry...it's just that, I'm used to more coffee and I'm getting all jittery and and and...stuff...I need another cup...I'll be right back....

So Long AOL, It Was Fun While It Lasted

We've made the decision to become upstanding citizens and stop mooching off AOL. For almost three years we've had free internet service thanks to AOL's ubiquitous free trial offers, but the time has come for us to part ways. Once in a blue moon we'd forget to cancel our free trial and get charged for a month and that was okay. We figured we probably owed them something. But the last few months we've been getting a crazy number of charges from multiple accounts we didn't have and it all added up to over a hundred and fifty dollars. That was not okay.

Because I'm a wonderful husband and provider for my family I sorted it all out with AOL and the bank. Our money will be returned and now I am a hero. But all this has tarnished our relationship with AOL. Things have become complex. It's no longer the trusting, they give while we take relationship that we've nurtured all these years. They want money up front now for their free trials and that's just not the kind of friendship I'm into. Love is unconditional and if AOL can't see that then it's time for both of us to move on.

The woman on the phone said that AOL changed their free trial system because people were actually using the free trials and then canceling just so they could start another free trial. I said, "Yeah, I'm one of those people." And she quickly said, "No offense." And really I wasn't offended. What did they expect me to do? Pay 25 bucks for dial-up every month out of my pathetic student's income when I could get it for free? Come on, I tried to cancel and for a straight year they wouldn't let me. No, no, no--we have really great services, don't cancel, we'll give you another two months for free. What was I supposed to do? Those call service people work hard, I didn't want to hurt their feelings so I (reluctantly) accepted their generous offers.

But now they collect their money up front and then return it after you've cancelled. If you're one day late canceling you could be out 75 bucks for a "free" three month trial. Even though AOL and I have worked long and hard at our relationship, it's just too much to risk. So I have decided to start anew with yahoo high speed. For 12.99 a month we'll have a chance to forge a new relationship of faster internet service that won't take up my phone line. It's not free, but it will have to do. And the cheap price only lasts for a year so I can only see more cancellations in our future.

Unfortunately, all this has made me fear commitment and expect rejection and betrayal. I'm looking over my shoulder now. Everything feels temporary. I'm a drifter in this world--no internet home, no more safety and stability. I've been burned and it's going to take a long, long time to get over this.

Rebuilding Bridges

The only thing better than being blessed with the chance to rebuild bridges is to have the wisdom not to burn them in the first place. But alas, we don't always have that foresight. Take a recent experience of mine.

On Friday, I finally had an opportunity to begin to rebuild a friendship that I had broken nearly ten years ago. In high school, Brice and I were practically inseparable. He was truly my best friend. We could always sit down and shoot the breeze maybe get into some heated arguments but we were always friends. He was always there for me, if I needed to chat about something, ask a question or talk about God he would listen, argue and never judge. I loved that, and it was something that has been missing in my life as of late (like the last ten years).

Our relationship as friends started hitting the rocks as he was getting replaced by Jaime. While I can't say that I regret that part of it, I do wish I had kept both relationships going at the same time. But I didn't, we went our separate ways and lost contact with each other. I became a part of a tightly knit ingrown community which frowned on any real relationships with outsiders, and let many of those old relationships die on the vine.

Having come out of that Church just over a year ago, I've been searching most for a relationship with a man where I could be open, have someone to talk to and not be afraid of what was said. I kept thinking back through my life; was there anyone that I had known like that? I kept thinking about Brice. Finally, I got up the gumption to get back into contact and after much scheduling problems we got our acts together (which is a big accomplishment in itself--just ask our wives) and got together for lunch...for a two hour lunch.

It was great, refreshing, everything I remembered our old conversations being like although admittedly more mature (so who's complaining?). I hope we'll keep in contact now, and see each other much more often (once every 10 years isn't too hard to beat is it?). Anyway I wanted to share. A lesson learned the hard way: Beware of smoldering bridges; when they burn down, they might be too costly to rebuild.

created and © Rob Elliott

My Childhood Babysitter (Who Shall Remain Nameless)

When my parents were still married, they would take me and my brother to The Babysitter, one of their friends from church. This woman would become my childhood nemesis. Why you ask? Was it because she always took her kids' side when there was an argument, even though they were the ones lying? Was it because she would then wash my innocent mouth out with soap? Was it because when I would sneak around the house pretending to be a spy she accused me of dancing (which is a BIG no-no) and when I said I wasn't she accused me of lying and again washed my mouth out with soap? Was it because I became a connoisseur of soap in her house? No, even though any one of those things taken on their own would warrant my intense dislike, no, the reason she became my nemesis can be summed up in two little words:

SQUASH JELLO

I kid you not. This is the one memory that's seared its way into my mind. Whenever I think of this woman all I can think of is gelatinous squash...with stuff thrown in....ugh....She is so notorious that in my house she is referenced only as "Squash Jello Lady."

In my adult life my mom and I would go around and around, not about the babysitter's discipline habits or the merits of Dial in one's mouth over Ivory, but about the veracity of the dreaded squash jello. It became so heated one day that she called up the old babysitter on the sopt and asked her directly, "Did you ever feed my son (dramatic pause) squash Jello?" Of course she flatly denied it and made up some story of a squash casserole...but in my heart I know I'm right. I'm not going to wash my mouth out with soap this time, because I remember it. Jiggling and yellow, filled with fruit....it makes me break out in sweats just thinking about it.

I've tried to find an online recipe for this thing, but as of yet I've not succeeded. But in case you should doubt me that anyone could come up with something as horribly disgusting as squash jello I offer the following recipes that I have found:

Asparagus Casserole (note the name "Casserole" but notice its made with....gelatin)
Garden Vegetable Salad Mold
And it's not that hard to go from Squash Jelly...to a Squash Jello

And I was not alone in my suffering so if you need more evidence, ask Brad.

And it only took me 11 years!

Woot! I don't even know exactly what "woot" means but I know it's something good...so...woot!! It's been 11 non-consecutive years in getting to this point but today I took my last final as an undergraduate. I have yet to actually receive my diploma, but that's okay, I could've failed this quarter (which I didn't cuz I'm, like, smart) and still have graduated. So now it's time to get silly drunk and celebrate....or just be a responsible 30 year old and go to bed early.

I'm a Flexible Vegetarian

This will probably confuse everyone, but here goes. I'm a vegetarian...sort of. In my house, we don't eat any meat, don't let meat in the door, nothing like that. (We'd been toying with the idea of going back to a vegetarian house for a while and finally took the plunge about 5 months ago.) One person I know (who I respect very much) expressed her veganism as a part of her spirituality and I can relate to that. The reasons that I don't eat meat is based solely on decisions governed by my spirituality.

I posted before about being completely pro-life and what that means, including the humane treatment of animals. For me, that means among other things, not eating meat. Killing things just doesn't seem like humane treatment...call me silly. Genesis, specifically in the story of Noah, describes all animals as being filled with the breath of life, the same breath from God that filled Adam in Genesis 2. To me, that means we're really dealing with something special here, special treatment should be given to animals.

Another part of this spirituality, comes with the great weight that God puts on spilling animal blood, the blood of life. Eating anything with the blood still in it is a big no-no in the Bible (and in Judaism to this day). In fact, eating animals is a sort of concession God makes to humans. According to several other ancient texts and traditions the very reason for the flood was not sexual immorality as much as it was the polluting of the ground with blood. Animals were being slaughtered horribly and their flesh eaten, people were killing people and just leaving them to die and be picked clean by the scavenging animals. So God, seeing that man would inevitably eat meat, prescribed the proper way to kill the animal so that it would be humane (that's sort of a relative term) and respect the value of blood. God's original intent was for people to not eat meat (ala the Garden), so I strive to fulfill that original intent.

As anyone who grew up with me or has known me in person for any amount of time in the past, you probably know that I'm not really a veggie kind of person. When I was a kid (even to the present, really) I was a meat and potatoes kind of guy. I wanted big pieces of steak for dinner cooked as rare as you could get it and french fries on the side. A baked potato if I had to, but I would refuse to eat the skin. I tell you this because this gets to the flexible side.

I see vegetarianism as a higher level of spirituality. Something that is very difficult to maintain, especially in this culture of everything must have meat. (Do you realize every salad at Wendy's has meat on it except one? Does this seem weird?) I'm also very sensitive to the fact that many people are put out, can be judgmental, etc about vegetarians. Being vegetarian can be a dividing wall between us and the meatetarians. And I take very seriously the idea of not putting up walls when spending time with other people. Usually people don't even notice we don't eat meat and it's not an issue. But, if a friend doesn't know we're vegetarians and at their home all they offer us is meat, we eat the meat. It's not a big deal, because we're in fellowship and that's the higher goal. In every situation, we'll try to find ways to avoid meat (the vegetarian fajita at Chipotle, by the way, is the bomb), eating the cheese pizza, etc. but sometimes it just doesn't work out.

Anyway, I just thought I'd explain my spiritual pseudo-vegetarianism.

Breaking the Silence

Hello all, sorry for the radio silence here! It's the end of the quarter which means papers, tests and other fun stuff. I have a long list of books to read this summer, and I am looking forward to studying what I want to study for at least 3 months, and catch up on some postmodern theological reading.

Here's a question that Jaime has posed to me often, especially as of late. What is it about Evangelicals/Conservatives that bothers me? At first I would reply that I don't have a problem with them, but the problem I have is that they would have a problem with me. Just because I ask "dangerous" questions or come down with some "unorthodox" answers, I must not believe in Jesus. Just because I read him differently or think Paul should be read as dealing with a specific situation and it would be wrong to push the application of that teaching beyond that specific instance. Just because I'm trying to find answers that make sense to me, I must lack faith.

I don't lack faith, I lack certainty and I'm fine with that. That doesn't mean I stop looking for answers, but I find that certainty is often the opposite of faith. We try to grab onto and hold to dogmas that we've made up and call that faith. So it's faithless if we say, "Wait a minute, where did that come from? Maybe we should do away with that."

If we look at the great people of faith in the Bible it wasn't an extreme certainty they had in spite of everything else, instead they trusted that God was good and would provide for them and that was that. (In fact faith was less belief than it was action). Abraham argued with God all the time, and yet today we see the idea of arguing with God as lacking faith. Isn't the willingness to dialogue with someone (be they human or divine) the greatest show of respect? So why can't we have faith that God wants us to argue? Why is certainty the ultimate expression of faith? Isn't moving forward even with doubt or questions the real statement of faith? I don't know where my current questioning and dialoguing with God will lead me, but I trust that it will be someplace good. So I keep moving forward...

Completely Pro-Life

Yes, I'm pro-life. I don't like to say I'm anti-abortion, because, for me, that only touches on one point of being pro-life. For me this is what being pro-life means:

• Against abortion, except when the life of the mother is in danger.
• Against the death penalty, period.
• Against genocide and any activity that suports, encourages or ignores it.
• For the civil rights of all people regardless of race, creed, color, sex or sexual orientation.
• For caring for the poor and needy, orphaned and widowed.
• For the humane treatment of animals.
• For responsible protection of the environment.

This is why I generally vote Democratic. As stated before, I have a real problem with people who want to equate Christianity with the Republican party. They only hit on one of my issues, and honestly, while I hate abortion, it is really only a blip on the screen as far as the Bible is concerned. I don't know of one passage in the Bible that is directly against abortion, but I know I can show you so many passages against the oppression of the poor it will make you dizzy. I can even show more verses for the ethical treatment of your animals than I can about abortion. So yes, I'm against abortion but I'm more for life and living than anything else.

I Just Gotta' Be Me

After 20+ years of trying to be everything to everyone, I'm finally learning what it means to be me. Scary, ain't it? This is coming out of a series of conversations with a friend of mine at my church who has been trying to get me to sign up for the church's softball team. I tried to be polite: "I'm not really the athletic, softball type." He didn't let it go at that, but kept pushing. The fear of conflict person in me said, "I'll think about it." That bought me some time, but not a full reprive. The next time he mentioned it, I must have given him some sense of commitment, because, when it came time to sign up for the league last week, he was utterly amazed when I said I wasn't going to do it. I don't think he heard me right, because this morning he asked me again, and again I said no, and again he was totally shocked.

You said you were going to do it!
No, I didn't, I said I would think about it.
Come on man, I was looking forward to spending our Mondays together!
Bob, I gotta be who I am and sports is NOT who I am.

Finally, he got it. You see sports in any form is really not who I am. My dad loves sports of most anykind, but especially baseball. My brother is equally a sports fanatic. Somehow this passed me by. I'm not athletic, I'm not co-ordinated, my eight year old is probably in better physical shape than I am. Come on! I nearly failed Gym class in High School! I kid you not! I got a C. . . One of the most humiliating parts of my high school career was an exam in Gym class where I had to throw a soft ball from third base to first without it touching the ground. I had three tries. Did I make it? Not even close. So am I going to sign on to the church softball team and humiliate myself every week for who knows how long? Heck no!

So, no more being who I'm not. This softball thing is just the beginning of a process for me. I've spent too many years being afraid of what people thought of me, and it's been really damaging. This is playing out in my social/church world and in my blog. Part of why I've been lacking posts is because I'm kinda' in a theological/spiritual funk, which oftenmeans a lot of questions and no answers. I'm getting comfortable with that, but often I come down with some...unorthodox answers, and I'm afraid to share them. Or I'm afraid to share what I'm questioning (and I've questioned practically every major Christian doctrine known to man) because I'm afraid of backlash and attacks.

When I get in these funks, I'm inclined to write about them but I'm also afraid that too many overly angsty/deep/theological posts might scare people away (all three of you). Or bore people, or some such thing. But I started this kinda' as an online journal where I can write about anything and get feedback on anything. So that's what I'm going to do. Unfortunately for you that means having to slog through some boring, possibly trite discussions and questions about Christianity and what not. So that's my fair warning too everyone......so there....Oh, and if you're out heretic hunting I offer the following:

Hochma

Is it a bad sign when your reading for school and your reading for pleasure are the same thing?

I help out in a little cafe area at church and don't always get to make it into the service the nights I'm volunteering. So I usually take some reading material just in case. This last weekend I brought The Mekhilta De Rabbi Ishmael. Kim, who was working with me that night, saw it and said "Awww, you have to do school work?" And I foolishly said, "No, this is pleasure reading."

Then several minutes of good hearted mockery followed. (I must say that Jaime, my loving and supportive wife, was right there enjoying every second of it.)

But I had my moment of glory that night. Yes, I showed them. Because the pastor was talking about wisdom that night and kept mispronouncing the word in Hebrew. (I was actually in the service and cringed every time he said "hochma" as "hawchma.") I'm usually very laid back when it comes to stuff like this. But then I imagined1,800 people (that generally attend services over the weekend) going around town saying "hawchma" and I just couldn't take it. Is this anal of me? Absolutely. Did I decide to let it slide? Absolutely not!

After service I was once again in the cafe and Pastor Drew came walking up to the counter. The first thing I said was not "Hi, Drew. How are you," it was "DREW, IT'S HOCHMA!" Everyone laughed and he acknowledged that he was going to ask me about the pronunciation before service but forgot. Then it seemed like every person from that service was coming up to the counter asking "Now, how do you say it?"

So maybe it wasn't a moment of glory, but at least at that moment a lot of people were appreciating my nerdiness--even if it was just for help with pronunciation.

(Does this story make me seem desperate for attention? Maybe that's why scholars write books.)

Still Procrastinating

I'm depressed. I have too much to do and I don't want to do it. And to make matters worse, I discovered that I have RPD. Research Perfectionism Disorder.

If I'm researching something, I don't feel satisfied until I've completely exhausted all avenues of research. (Thus, the household tension regarding library books.) But for one paper I'm currently writing I haven't done a lot of research. I found out that there isn't much academic discussion on the topic I chose, so I don't have many sources. I've done sufficient research to write the paper but not sufficient research to satisfy my RPD.

It's a vicious cycle. I'm depressed because my paper won't be as in depth as I would like, so I procrastinate on writing it, which further ensures that it will be a rush job and a less than satisfying paper, thereby increasing my depression and creating more procrastination.

I'm depressed.

I Love Liturgy!

I feel like I should kinda' balance out the previous post on modern worship with how I feel about liturgy. Somehow in my mind liturgy is a seperate entity from hymns and what not, and I love liturgy, especially Jewish liturgy. There's just something about praying these thousand year old prayers, rich in theology and sincerity with only the hundred or so voices, no instruments. Everytime that I have gone to a synagogue, it has been hard to not get emotional at the ancient melodies, prayers and motions.

I can't really explain it concretely. I've tried several times, but there's something that feels.....right? assuring? comforting? ( None of those are quite it, but will have to do) about seeing and being apart of a room full of people, praising God in one of the oldest living languages that is spiritually overwhelming for me.

There's a time in these liturgies for everything: praising God, remembering commandments, challenging God on the state of affairs here on earth, asking for forgiveness, good health and peace. One of the experiences that most impacted me was hearing mourners say the Kadish (a special prayer for those in mourning). The synagogue silent but for a few voices praying. Not asking for anything but peace and still praising God. You can hear the pain in their voices, the melody the raw openness of it all still gets to me now thinking about it.

As much as I love modern worship music, there is something about liturgy. Honestly, I don't think I'll ever really come back to liking the hymns I grew up with. They bring back too many horrid memories...but liturgy (which I never experienced until I was an adult) I love. I pray different liturgical prayers throughout the day. I love the prayers in the Orthodox Jewish Siddur. I even steal some of the words for my own music.

So I guess maybe the best of both worlds for me would be a liturgical prayer set to rock music. Or maybe a cantor that raps . . . naaah, that's going too far.

I Like Modern Worship

There, I said it. I like a skillfully produced rock band to lead my worship.

Last night my church had a special praise and worship night and it was loud. It was really loud. It was so loud my three year old couldn't decide between covering her ears and raising her hands. (If you've never seen a three year old raising her hands in worship, you're missing out.) People were just free to worship the way they wanted. Some were sitting, some were standing, some were raising their hands, some were clapping. It was awesome. Just what I like.

The night would have sent my Grandmother, well, either one of my Grandmothers, into hysterics. And I understand that. Not everyone has the same tastes. What matters is if you're really there to praise God. If you prefer hymns, if that's what gets you into a worshipful mindset, cool. Not me though. I want the electric guitarist to peel into a rockin' solo after the second chorus before going into the bridge. I want the drummer on a full set of drums hitting them as hard as he can. I want a piano player that can play circles around Jerry Lee Lewis. And I want a worship leader who's there to worship God with all his might.

I think it's funny (sometimes offensive) when people talk about one genre of music as more inspired, respectful or just plain better for worship. When you look at the history of worship music, there was a time when gregorian chant with multiple parts was seen as scandalous and distracting, let alone an organ. Some hymns were set to old bar room songs because that's what the people knew and could relate to. People are going to worship in different ways because people are different.

So if you like accapella music, cool. If you like a full pipe organ, great. If a full orchestra playing through the old standard hymn book gets you in a worshipful mood, I'm all for it. But me, I want a rock and roll praise band and people in the audience standing up and singing at the top of their lungs while they clap or raise their hands. But, hey, that's just me.