I Just Gotta' Be Me

After 20+ years of trying to be everything to everyone, I'm finally learning what it means to be me. Scary, ain't it? This is coming out of a series of conversations with a friend of mine at my church who has been trying to get me to sign up for the church's softball team. I tried to be polite: "I'm not really the athletic, softball type." He didn't let it go at that, but kept pushing. The fear of conflict person in me said, "I'll think about it." That bought me some time, but not a full reprive. The next time he mentioned it, I must have given him some sense of commitment, because, when it came time to sign up for the league last week, he was utterly amazed when I said I wasn't going to do it. I don't think he heard me right, because this morning he asked me again, and again I said no, and again he was totally shocked.

You said you were going to do it!
No, I didn't, I said I would think about it.
Come on man, I was looking forward to spending our Mondays together!
Bob, I gotta be who I am and sports is NOT who I am.

Finally, he got it. You see sports in any form is really not who I am. My dad loves sports of most anykind, but especially baseball. My brother is equally a sports fanatic. Somehow this passed me by. I'm not athletic, I'm not co-ordinated, my eight year old is probably in better physical shape than I am. Come on! I nearly failed Gym class in High School! I kid you not! I got a C. . . One of the most humiliating parts of my high school career was an exam in Gym class where I had to throw a soft ball from third base to first without it touching the ground. I had three tries. Did I make it? Not even close. So am I going to sign on to the church softball team and humiliate myself every week for who knows how long? Heck no!

So, no more being who I'm not. This softball thing is just the beginning of a process for me. I've spent too many years being afraid of what people thought of me, and it's been really damaging. This is playing out in my social/church world and in my blog. Part of why I've been lacking posts is because I'm kinda' in a theological/spiritual funk, which oftenmeans a lot of questions and no answers. I'm getting comfortable with that, but often I come down with some...unorthodox answers, and I'm afraid to share them. Or I'm afraid to share what I'm questioning (and I've questioned practically every major Christian doctrine known to man) because I'm afraid of backlash and attacks.

When I get in these funks, I'm inclined to write about them but I'm also afraid that too many overly angsty/deep/theological posts might scare people away (all three of you). Or bore people, or some such thing. But I started this kinda' as an online journal where I can write about anything and get feedback on anything. So that's what I'm going to do. Unfortunately for you that means having to slog through some boring, possibly trite discussions and questions about Christianity and what not. So that's my fair warning too everyone......so there....Oh, and if you're out heretic hunting I offer the following: